Thoughtful Rapist

I feel so strongly about something, I have to share...
Rape is awful... It's just... such a complete let down of a potential orgasm for the woman!!!!! Like obviously the rapist isn't out to please the woman he's forcefully ramming himself into, but what if she needed him to just slightly move to the left. Just a little bit to put her over the edge and into ecstasy?!?!

You know, this rape business is all about feeling in control and taking a woman against her will and feeling her fight you off - WELL NONE OF IT WOULD CHANGE, just lean to the fucking left, dude! It's not like she's gonna stroke your hair and say I love you, or tell you to keep doing her like in a normal relationship which is one of the things you're so blatantly avoiding. No, no , NO...she would continue to scream and fight but at least she could have felt some sort of something halfway enjoyable, which may consequently be the most enjoyable experience of her entire life! I mean think about it, she'll remember you as her rapist forever and constantly be haunted by you because you totally defiled her and probably turned her into an emo-slice-my-wrists whore WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY GIVING HER INTENSE PLEASURE which will further haunt her because that's fucking messed up, man.

Or you could just kill her.

AT&T U-verse: Mean Girl

This AT&T commercial seems to play every day at least 7 times before the sun sets, and all I can think about is how Pink Pants is such a bitch to the poor Mexican sisters. Jeez, just because they're second class citizens doesn't mean you can be such a cuntwad.

Ok yes it does. But Pink Pants bothers me way more than them Mexigirls. And Mexigirls usually bother the shit out of me. 

So that's saying a lot.

Cockburn Out. 

People Love Me So Damn Much

I was waiting to get my food at Pizza Hut after work, and I was minding my own business filing my nails as I waited when this... shall we say... young, slow person (female) exclaimed, "Your legs are SO nice!!!!!!!!!!" She yelled it. I was wearing my miniskirt, the most appropriate/professional thing I own, so the whole store probably already noticed that, but I mean thanks for telling everyone.

She proceeded to talk to me in a stream of consciousness style that I couldn't follow, telling me about her own leg that is dead because she got hit by a car (and showing me), asking if I got a burrito, and then demonstrating her knack for emulating the sound of a squeaky dog toy. I was going to tell her I have a knack for sounding like a man having an orgasm, but my food came first. Goodbye, precious retard of a lamb.

I hope you never find a better pair of legs than mine in a Pizza Hut.

America

In trying to keep up with current events, I come across this article with a headline filled with words that are too hard to read! Buy a damn vowel. Anyway, I'm going back to reading Cosmo. Shuck this fit.

That ho ain't me, by the way.

Another Thought

Is it so wrong that black people with British accents completely freak me out?

Of course it's not wrong. Black people shouldn't be talking so proper, yo. Gangsta nigs homedawg. See, it aint hard. Daz right.

Resourceful Me

Oh no, I'm nearly out of toilet paper...

Oh good, I kept my napkins from Taco Bell.

Just a note regarding previous blog

I think you all should know the most fun part about writing my last post was searching for images of Asian babies.

Philosophical Question

If a white couple gives birth in China, does their baby come out looking Chinese?

Food for thought, you whore, food for fucking thought.

Just wondering

I'd like to share a quote expressed by yours truly from when a man in a Mustang justified my suspicion that many men are under the impression that my best friend Lindsay and I desire to suck their dick at the same time in the same room in the same bed. The quote is more of a question, actually, to Lindsay, and to the world in general: Why does every guy think we want to have a threesome?

We honestly do not give that impression.I give the impression that they're gross and they should stand at least 7 feet away from me, and .5233132 feet from Lindsay (meaning, they should be all up on her. You go girl friend! I'm her wing woman and I don't charge). But really, why are you giving us both that hungry look and trying to rub two girls with one boner, as if we are asking for it? 

I'm actually very curious. 

Office Life

It should be common knowledge by now that I'm way cooler than your average Nancy. But if it's not, get with the program. The thing about me, is I like to learn. Looky there, I'm cooler and smarter. Anyway, I learned something new today.

You know those modesty panels on office desks? I just found out they were to protect from people seeing up the occasional mini skirt that Trisha the office slut likes to wear to impress the married CEO, or the hole in  the crotch of poor Ed's pants. Now that's the real reason, but I always thought it was to allow for touching yourself under your desk! I guess it's the same point - to protect your privacy. But, let me tell you, I put those modesty panels to work, baby. I even have names for each day of the week in honor of my wet workplace sessions: Masturbation Monday, Touchyerself Tuesday, Wack Off Wednesday, Thrusty Thursday, Fluid Friday.


Thought it was just a given. Jeez. But in the meantime, spread the word. And your legs.